Have you ever known a high achiever who was constantly riddled with self doubt, low self esteem and people pleasing? Typically the dynamic is that the person is successful in all their pursuits but never stops questioning or "beating themselves up". No matter what their achievements are, they take little pleasure or satisfaction from them. Instead of enjoying the fruits of their labor, they immediately set the bar higher and become seized by anxiety over not yet achieving the new goal.
Their life seems to be little more than crossing items off their To Do list. Most of us have known people like this. Many of us have even been or still are like this. What is going on here? What causes the disconnect? How can these types of high achievers create more satisfying lives?
1.) These patterns are somehow created in childhood. This could be learned behaviors from overly perfectionistic parents. As a child, you may have come to believe that you could only be loved for accomplishment. Maybe you were reared in a regimented, driven type style. Look into your childhood and see how these patterns came to run your life.
2.) Realize that you are not your accomplishments. If you’ve spent your whole life accomplishing, there is no doubt that your identity is extremely tied into achievements.
3.) Do some serious soul searching as to your motivations about everything you are working to achieve. The main thing to explore is to separate those things you are achieving to impress others from those things you are achieving to please yourself. This is the crux of the work. The key is to stop living your life to please others. Start making choices that please you.
This sounds simple, but if you’ve spent a lifetime pleasing others, these changes can be very wrenching. "Others" may still have enough of a hold on you to be disappointed in you (or enough of a hold on you for you to fear or imagine their disappointment in you).
4.) Write down all the efforts you are currently working on achieving. Take a serious look at each one. Pay special attention to the percentage of "pleasing myself" and "pleasing others" in each one of these.
5.) For each goal where "pleasing others" is the primary motivator, look at the activity and see if there is any way it can be altered -- so that the primary objective is to please yourself. This is the place where you are likely to "hear" a lot of screaming voices in your mind, "You can’t do that!" or, "Who do you think you are?" or "I’m disappointed in you". Just be aware here of exactly what is at play, and write it down. Clarify the mental objections. Take time with this.
6.) Start with some simple issues among the ones you have written about. Take an issue where internal and external resistance to your changing (by choosing to please yourself) will be non-existent or minimal.
7.) Decide when you will experiment with the change. Do it at a time when you will be sure of success and enjoyment. Take time with it. Pay attention to any "mental chatter" that comes up. This will give you an even better idea about the source and intensity of the dynamic you are working to heal.
8.) Continue your experimentation on shifting your choices and achievements to focus on pleasing yourself. Work with the easiest ones first and move up to the tougher issues later.
You will find that this is a challenging and sometimes seemingly intractable issue. By its nature, it can spring back into activity when you think you’ve conquered it. It was a long time forming. It drove you for years without your consciousness or awareness. Brining it to consciousness is more than half the battle. The trick is not to create the "inner conflict". There is a wonderful life on the other side of this work.
Author Resource:-
Suzi Elton is a success coach working with highly creative types to create income that matches their talent.She has coached hundreds of clients to approach their goals strategically through tiny steps to bring about quantum leaps. Get free Life Purpose exercises, at http://mylifepurposecoaching.com.
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