Have you ever met someone who seems to cherish their story of a negative event in their lives? Typically the story is about how they were victimized or mistreated by another. The story always depicts them as a victim of the situation -- even when they strongly protest playing victim. When you look at the situation, do you wonder what is going on that anyone would have such consistent "bad luck"?
Usually these people will almost bask in the sympathy their story arouses in others. If they ever hear a suggestion that perhaps there could be another view of their story, they protest loudly and vigorously. What could be going on here is that they cling to their version of the damaging event and are actually continuing the damage to themselves long afterwards.
A friend once had a childhood story that she was "treated like weeds" as a child. By this, I understood her to mean that she had been neglected. This is a clear depiction of how someone’s story of a damaging event does more harm for a longer time than the actual event itself. This same woman neglected her own life and simply drifted along looking for someone to attach to. How do you recognize when your story of a damaging event might be doing you more harm than the actual event?
1.) First look for those stories about your life that bring tears to your eyes whenever you think or talk about them. There’s a good chance that these situations are keeping you stuck in your life. Anything that holds that intensity of emotion is unresolved and blocks you from full out living. Make a list of all those situations and see if there is a pattern.
2.) See if you can distinguish any possible difference between your story of the event and a neutral version of the same event. An example could be something like this story: "My father whipped me bloody for talking back to him. My father hates me and I hate him." A neutral version could be: "My father was an alcoholic who went into rages and sometimes I was his target. He hated himself and took it out on everyone else --not just me. I was a kid and did not have the ability to distinguish the truth."
Both versions are "true" but the second version might give you some freedom to move on and no longer be held by the experience. Another example might be, "I was sexually abused as a child and it has led to an inability to trust and have adult sexual gratification". A neutral version might be, "Unfortunately, a predator took advantage of my childish naiveté. I choose now to distinguish the loving people from the predators and eliminate predator energy from my life".
3.) In no way construe any of this to discount the genuine pain and destruction of these childhood events. See clearly that this is about unhooking the event from having a continuing destructive impact on your life. A big part of how these experiences limit the satisfaction of our lives is the way we compulsively rerun the "movie", in our minds and energizing and dramatizing and even magnifying the trauma with our self talk. We end up victimizing ourselves long after the event occurred and are totally unaware of how we participate in our own victimization. Don’t let this habit rob you of a rich life.
4.) Deal with your unresolved traumas with an excellent therapist and heal everything you are able to using this means. Think of it this way -- those experiences have already robbed you of much too much great living. Don’t collude in allowing the robbery to go on and on.
5.) Often the perpetrator of our suffering is long dead -- sometimes for 10, 20, 30, or even many more years. Think about it. You are letting them destroy your life as you get closer to the grave. Where's the logic in that?
This is simply a short introduction to how we use the story of a trauma to continue our injury. These are just a few ideas to potentially set you on the path to freedom from continuing to suffer from the trauma. Your life is too important to waste in suffering.
Author Resource:-
Suzi Elton is a success coach working with highly creative types to create income that matches their talent.She has coached hundreds of clients to approach their goals strategically through tiny steps to bring about quantum leaps. Get free Life Purpose exercises, at http://mylifepurposecoaching.com.
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