If you have an abusive boss, one who criticises or belittles you, and shows no respect for your abilities or concern for your development, you may decide to hold your tongue, keep your head down, and get along as best you can until you find another position. But you dread getting up for work every morning.
Alternatively, your sense of outrage may take over and one day you explode in frustration and anger. Afterwards, the disciplinary process that you have to undergo and the difficult relationship you have created between you and your manager make what had been a bad situation even worse.
There is a better way! If you follow the steps below you have every chance of creating a conversation that gives you the positive outcome you need.
Consider a situation where you have a very competent manager who has a lot of experience and company service. Your problem is that when you raise an idea of your own she shoots you down before she has heard more than a few words of what you have to say. You are becoming more and more frustrated and feel that you not being allowed to grow or develop in your job.
You need to speak up, but to do so in a way that does not result in accusation or argument, achieves a change in the behaviour of your manager, and enables you to keep your job. When your power base is low, the stakes high, and you want to broach a difficult subject with the least possible risk to your relationship, and your job, proceed with care.
Use the steps below.
Open the conversation by setting a tone that does not accuse, but does signal that something serious is to follow. Avoid getting into any detail at this stage. You can start with a general question or you can label the issue more specifically. The question form is respectful and also allows the manager to say if the time or place is not suitable for the conversation.
A useful general question is: Can we talk about something that is concerning me. Alternatively you could be a little more specific by asking: Can we talk about something that is getting in the way of our working together.
Then describe exactly what happens that is causing your frustration. Be very specific. It helps if you refer to a recent incident that the manager may also recognise.
The next step is to describe how you feel abut the situation. Remember, this is your interpretation and your manager may see it quite differently. You could say: Maybe I am being too sensitive, but I am beginning to feel you do not want any input from me.
Finally, ask for feedback: I am wondering if there is anything I can do to share my ideas with you more effectively. This is a safe way to minimize defensiveness and encourage dialogue.
If you use these steps you will help your manager understand how her behaviour is affecting you. You have not been accusing or given her any reason to become defensive, so it is unlikely that the conversation will result in argument. In the event that she was unaware of her behaviour, she may appreciate that you spoke up and will be more sensitive in future.
Remember that the best way to make sure someone continues with a behaviour is to give them positive feedback, so if your manager changes her behaviour even a little, for the better, be sure to acknowledge it. Everyone enjoys positive feedback!
When you approach difficult conversations using this process, you will open the door to healthy dialogue and better working relationships.
Author Resource:-
Maureen Collins trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people in her consulting practice, Straight Talk. She has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She consults in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za
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