Some of the most difficult conversations that we face are to do with personal issues, in relationships where we do not want to offend or hurt the other person. It could be as simple as telling a colleague that you find their jokes offensive. If you do not speak up, the person will not know that you are offended, and will continue with their behaviour. You will continue to take offense, becoming more and more upset as time goes on.
One day, when you have had enough, you burst out. You say things in anger, you accuse, you threaten. Your behaviour may indeed stop the jokes but it will also probably put an end to any easy relationship between you and your colleague. It may also damage how you are seen by others.
There is a way to handle difficult conversations like this one. It is based on making the conversation safe. When it is safe to talk, you can speak up about almost anything. Think what you would say if your best friend or your favorite sister said something you found offensive. You would probably speak your mind, and it would probably result in: I am sorry! Nothing more would be necessary.
The problem is how to make a conversation safe when you do not have a very close relationship with someone.
Consider this background. A new person has recently joined your team. In conversation, he told a joke that you found extremely offensive. You did not know what to say at the time, but now you feel you must speak to him, not only because you were embarrassed, but because you sense others felt the same way. This is not the kind of talk your team uses.
The first question you must ask yourself is whether you really need to speak up. How sure are you that others feel the same? Are you being overly sensitive? However, it is better to speak up now than to withdraw from the person, maybe talk about him behind his back, and get more and more upset about his behaviour.
If you decide to speak up, you need to be clear why you are having the conversation. If it is only to convey your judgment and accusation, the other person will immediately feel accused and the conversation will become unsafe. When people feel accused, they defend themselves, and you will end up in a damaging argument that you will wish you had never started.
If, on the other hand, you intend to offer your observations and to discuss your differing views, your good intentions will be reflected in your tone of voice, facial expression and body language. When your intentions are sincere, you are not in danger of coming across as judgmental and accusing, and the conversation will be safe.
Open the conversation by describing the facts of the situation: that your work group consists of people from all kinds of backgrounds; you all show a general respectfulness toward each other; you understand that the person is new to the team.
Then you might say: When you told the joke about (label it briefly) in front of everyone at lunch yesterday, I was surprised. We do not talk like that in our team. I felt a bit offended and I sensed that others might have been upset too.
That is all you have to say. You have been honest and direct without any accusation. Then you should invite the other person into the conversation with an open question: How do you see it.
If you have succeeded in making the conversation safe up to this point it should result in your being able to discuss the matter comfortably, and being able to agree on how things should be in future.
Your colleague will better understand the kind of behaviour that is inappropriate in the team and will probably appreciate that you spoke to him when you did.
When you learn to speak up on difficult issues you give people an opportunity to change their behaviour and you are unlikely to damage your working relationship with them. When you know how to make it safe to talk, you can talk about almost anything.
Author Resource:-
Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She specialises in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people. Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za
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