Some people manipulate others in order to get what they want. These people have a need to control (aspects) of other people's lifes.
Victims of manipulation have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions, which makes it difficult for them to get the control over their own life back.
A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive.
But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings (Simon, 1996).
What is Manipulation?
According to Messina & Messina (200?) manipulation is a set of behaviours whose goal is to:
Get you what you want from others even when the others are not willing initially to give it to you.
Get "your way'' in almost every interaction you have with people, places, or things.
Present reality the way you want others to see it rather than the way it "really is.''
Maintain control and power over others even though they think they have the control and power.
Get away with not having to do the things necessary to meet your obligations, responsibilities, and duties in life.
Involve everyone in your life's problems so that you do not have to face the problems alone.
Keep everything the same so that the "status quo'' is not affected or changed.
Make others feel guilty or responsible for actions or thoughts which are yours alone.
You might be a controller or manipulator according to Simon (1996) if you use any of the following defense mechanisms or offense tactics in your relationships, or by seeing these behaviours you might recognise that you are being manipulated:
Denial. This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have.
Selective inattention. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda.
Rationalisation. A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior.
Diversion. Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas.
Lying
Guilt-tripping. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position.
Shaming. This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others.
Playing the victim role. This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another.
Playing the servant role. By pretending to be working hard on someone else's behalf, aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others.
Seduction. Aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty.
Blaming others. Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior.
Minimisation. When using this maneuver, the aggressor is attempting to assert that his abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain.
What irrational thinking leads to manipulation?
According to Messina & Messina (200?) underlying to manipulative behaviour are the following thoughts:
If you do not keep others hooked on being involved with you, you will end up being ignored, unaccepted, or unwanted.
Use of manipulation was the only way you have ever gotten what you needed in life so why should you learn new ways of achieving the same end.
Use any means you need to "win'' since "winning'' is all that counts in life.
Don't ever let others think they have the "upper hand'' on you so that they never can take advantage of you.
It is always better to show the "perfect'' you to people than to let them see the "real'' you.
You must get others deeply involved in your life's problems in order for you to feel important, the center of attention, cared for, approved of, and accepted.
You are most successful when you are able to "delegate'' to others what you need to be doing for yourself.
How to get free from manipulating?
A great step by step path comes from Messines & Messines (200?) on how to free yourself from manipulating others.
Step 1: In order to eliminate the use of manipulation in your life, you first need to identify the behaviors you use to manipulate others to ignore or take over responsibility for your care and your problem life issues.
Step 2: Once you've identified the manipulative behaviors you use to get people to do things for you to ignore your problems or to keep them off guard, you then need to identify who are the people you manipulate. In your journal, identify the people you manipulate.
Step 3:Why do you manipulate others? Identify in your journal, and/or with your coach, the issues present in your life which you manipulate others to address or ignore. Answer the following questions about these issues:
1.How do you feel about each of these issues?
2.Why do you feel a need to manipulate others concerning these issues?
3.Which issues do you want others to ignore or overlook?
4.Which issues do you want others to fix or change for you?
5.Which issues do you want others to feel responsible for?
6.Which issues overwhelm you? Which issues overwhelm others?
7.Which issues depress you? Anger you?
8.Which issues do you want to run away from?
9.Which issues do you feel helpless to deal with? Hopeless to cope with?
Step 4: In your journal, and/or with your coach, now identify:
1.What irrational beliefs keep you from successfully coping with each issue identified in Step 3?
2.What new, healthy, more rational beliefs do you need in order to cope with and handle these issues?
3.What thinking keeps you from accepting personal responsibility for your problems and issues?
4.What new thinking do you need in order to accept personal responsibility for your own problems and issues?
Step 5: In your journal,and/or with your coach, now identify what new, healthier, more productive behaviors you need to develop to address your problems and issues.
Step 6: Implement these new behaviors, with help of your coach. Inform people of your old manipulative behaviors and give them permission to 'call you on it' if you fall back into old manipulative ways.
References
Simon Jr., G.K. (1996). In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Publisher: A.J.Christopher
Tools for handling control issues. Eliminating Manipulation. Retrieved October 9, 2008, from the Tools for Coping with Life's Stressors web site
Author Resource:-
Evelyn Bos works as a Career & Life Coach. She delivers e-coaching services to high potentials with busy lifes and lots of responsibilities. Go to http://www.nzcoachingretreats.com for more info, tools and articles.
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